i'm the kind of ██████ to constantly long for deep vulnerable connection. however, i hate being known, and get especially uncomfortable if too many facets of my identity are visibly linked to each other. i also seem to be hard to connect with; most people seem to lose interest in me relatively quickly, and i almost never get contacted by others first. in general, i seem to be fairly unconventional to interact with.
i'm not sure why, but it feels like all of that is perfectly set up to give me wonderful social ostracization wherever i go. meeting those with similar interests to me means that we're likely not compatible in terms of identity: any vulnerability on my end involves talking about something like my gender or plurality or mental illness or nonhumanity or existential weirdness, so their discomfort with at least one of those will make it impossible for me to feel like i can get to know them on a deeper level.
meeting those made of "the same stuff" is a much more reliable approach, but those like me are frustratingly rare, so i basically never get to feel comfortable with anyone in person unless we specifically orchestrate travel plans with each other, and it means that chance encounters in the wild that develop into deep connections are basically completely off-limits for me.
i hate being seen or known about. i'd love to go completely under the radar in every way possible, fading out of pictures and records and memories and leaving no trace. with my tendency to dislike too many parts of myself being traceable to each other, it means that it's nearly impossible for me to be able to point to something i've made while introducing myself to someone: it's extremely uncomfortable to expose a project done as one persona to someone who's talking to another, and i scrub all traces of old unused identities whenever possible, so there's usually no record of my stuff at all. not that i ever finish anything, anyway.
it feels like nearly every experience i've had of trying to develop a meaningful connection to someone has ended in lots of emotional pain. either they can't accept some aspect of myself, or they get bored of me, or forget i exist entirely, etc. i'm totally willing to accept that it might be me that's doing something wrong, but for the life of me i have no idea what it could be. those i have miraculously gotten close to tell me that they don't understand why this happens to me at all. (it generally also happens to them, which i suspect is why we're able to get close in the first place, too.)
i wonder if i should give up on trying to meet new people in general. it doesn't feel like it's worth risking the pain. i care very deeply about everyone by default, and it always hurts so much when i can feel someone drifting away from me. i wish i knew what to do. i always love and crave getting close to and being vulnerable with others, but if it goes like this almost every time…
and that's just for individuals. don't even get me started on group dynamics.