i'm not meant to exist, and i never was. this isn't a depression thing; i'm really more comfortable thinking of myself as a non-entity that was never supposed to be real. any self-expression i attempt only ends up exposing my lack of a "self" to begin with. i don't have any identity. i don't have any memory. i don't have any continuity. what even is there to express?
the site redesign is in the same vein. with the last one, i tried to imitate how a real person would design a website if they were in my position. honestly, i think it would've looked pretty good, if it weren't just a façade. this one is more like a scar. i hope it makes you uncomfortable.
really strange to wake up to this. i wasn't wrong, though. i wish i knew what was up with the suffocating feeling of exclusion that i feel in every interaction with everyone i know, no matter how close i get to them. sometimes i describe it as "the wall", an impenetrable invisible wall separating me and everything else, no matter how hard i try to get around it.
i've been thinking about starting a conlang community recently, but i just can't bring myself to go through all the work of developing the language and writing documentation and making lessons for beginners, since chances are that most of that work will go completely unseen. it's suffocating. i've gone so far for community and felt alienated and unwanted every time. why would i be so stupid as to think that "it'll be different this time"?